Fabulous_Female_Expo_OverviewDon’t try to box me in, there is so much more to me than my career and professional credentials.

What up! (A conversation I had with my dad led me to writing this. He made some great points. Shout out to PG-that’s his street name :))

So someone help me with this. What is wrong with being driven and having professional goals? The media continues to cover the so called plight of the single, successful Black woman in particular.  My thoughts have always been, ladies you go for it! And I still feel this way. I’ve seen coverage about women saying “Here is a successful judge, but she is single” Why is there a but here? Why can’t we say here is a successful African American female judge to which girls can look up? There seems to always be a negative slant on the number of women in college. By the way-to those of you in college- Good for you and go for it!! We’re always hearing that there are more women obtaining advanced degrees as compared to men. The only problem I see here is that more men need to take advantage of advanced degrees, if they want to. Let a man get a law degree or PhD, this is wonderful, but women obtaining the same degrees are also told great job but we also hear “Oh so you want to be independent” OR “If you get that degree men won’t want you”

It’s time for a change. Women should NEVER make apologies or excuses for succeeding. Instead of asking us to slow down or finding fault with our success, how about encouraging men to step up and go for it (whatever “it” is for them).  I’m just saying. Oh and here is something else. Yes many of us are in charge at work but at the end of the day, when we are at home, we don’t have to be. I think people assume that we walk around the house using our interview voice, delegating tasks as if we were in a corporate meeting and demanding people to call us Ms. Jones or Dr. Jones. This is so far from the case. At the end of the day, I am chilling and when the Lord allows me to meet him, I will trust him enough to make the decisions with my input and be the head of the household. For real.

One last thought, the media continues to focus on extremely successful single women. There is another voice from which we are not hearing. There are wonderful, intelligent, single women who may not be considered extremely successful professionally. Succeeding does not always pertain to degrees, salaries, positions. It’s your definition.  There are many successful and driven women, who don’t have degrees, aren’t making a lot of money, have an hourly job, but are immensely successful. Success could be raising her children, could mean being clean from drugs for years, could mean starting over, could mean turing a tragedy into a victory! But, does this mean they don’t deserve a voice or want to meet someone? No!! In the mean time, they are working on reaching their goals. So let’s not forget this.

Moving on. Now, I will always encourage women to pursue their goals (of course not at the expense of their family or health) but I believe it’s important to know how men feel about this issue. So you know me, I love to get feedback from others on issues 🙂

Responses from 4 men (single and married) are below. Keep in mind these are their thoughts and you can agree or not, I just thought it was worthy of sharing

Should women slow down on their professional goals b/c it intimidates men?

Absolutely not!  However, their professional goals should be an asset to the man, not a deterrent.  Making more $ doesn’t change her order or role once she becomes a wife…her husband is still the head of the household not because he is better…it is because God ordained the order to be that way from the beginning.  The question is will they be able to submit to their husbands the way it is explained in Ephesians 5:21-25.  I put verse 25 because I wanted to reinforce that the husband is not dictate to his wife but to lay his life down daily for her as Christ laid his life down for the Church.  If he does that then she should be more than willing to submit to his authority.  Women don’t learn this overnight.  Women’s focus should be on getting their lives and affairs in order to be able to follow this pattern God laid out from the beginning of time.

Married-30 years old

No. Never!  That’s a ridiculous notion worthy to be ignored.  If he’s intimidated then, he could never be your man anyway.  Be all that you can aspire to be.  You’ll most likely bump into your mate somewhere along the path to victory.

Single 37 years old

No, I do not think that a woman should slow down on her personal goals b/c it could intimidate a man.  I call this the “Duke of Edinburgh” affect.  Can a man successfully be in the shadow of his wife?  The Duke of Edinburgh is married to the current reigning Queen of the British Empire.  I think that a woman should be willing to be all that she can be.  But, the most important thing is that as a wife, her career should be not supersede her role as a wife and as a mother. 

For me, I struggled with, “could I marry someone who makes substantially more money than I do”?  My preference is for me to make more than my wife.  I want her to see me as her provider, protector, and pastor.  However, that is no longer a “deal breaker” for me.   There are advantages to dating a female who makes way more than the dude.  She could possibly lavish you with gifts (smile), afford a nicer house, nicer car, and nicer vacations.  “Just keeping it real”.   

But, I believe that it can be done successfully, if she knows how to feed his ego. Meaning that she may have to remind him that she could not be the person she is, if it were not for the great husband/boyfriend.  I am a little more traditional seeing the family life as that of in the 1950s.  The husband worked and the wife stayed at home and cared for the children and the household duties.  That’s the way I was raised.  My dad worked and my mother stayed at home.  I have talked with many guys who attend(ed) OCBF and they have no problem at all with a woman who is successful or makes more money than they.  At the end of the day, we all want someone to hold us and cherish us. 

Single 36 years old

Tough one right? But it all comes down to what is most important to you…and it’s hard to balance work and relationships. I hear stories all the time of men whose girlfriends/wives left them because all they did was work. I can’t imagine that it is any different for women. Being driven is great, but it may cost you in the long run. When it comes to hard decisions I generally ask myself, Which one of these things would I be more okay with not having? Would you rather be a made woman with nothing to go home to, or living check to check with a great husband who would do anything in the world for you? Now it’s not always that extreme. It can work, but the thing you have to realize is that life is full of choices and sacrifices. There will always be “woulda coulda shoulda’s”. Sometimes it’s less about right or wrong, and more about what’s best for you. You have to weigh your decisions carefully…and live with the consequences.

Married 29 years old

Do you think women’s standards are too high from your experience?

It is not that they are too high…I believe that the standards are not to be compared to a man’s commitment to the Lord.  If he is humble and has developed a discipline to keep God’s word close to his heart, then he will be able to love you and meet your standards and more.  These standards are according to the world and not necessarily according to God.  A woman of God should mandate that a man should be willing to follow Ephesians 4:25-33.

Married-30 years old

Concerning standards… I don’t think women’s standards are so high as much as I feel that they are immature and misguided. Paul the Apostle of Jesus Christ and writer in the Bible’s New Testament said “when I was a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away childish things.”  What childish standards have you put away since you’ve become a woman?  My advice is to make sure you’re not setting immature standards that do not necessarily define a GOOD MAN.  Be very honest with yourself and seek the counsel of an older, married, content woman WHILE YOU create your standards because they’re sometimes the only ones who can help you realize what’s really important when finding a man.  Don’t just listen to them… let their relationship be your example of what to look for.  You mustn’t counsel with people who are currently unsuccessful in accomplishing the goal of finding a qualified mate…even if it is “Mama and Grandma nem” Find multiple resources including non-family members.

But beware… If you can “take him or leave him”… you WILL leave him.

Single 37 years old

From my experience, I do not think that women’s standard’s are too high.  The ones that said no to me when I expressed an interest, I might think differently about (smile).  However, the ones that I had a relationship with were quite reasonable. They were like as long as the male had a job and a degree and was responsible, they could work with him. 

Single 36 years old

Actually no, most women’s standards are not too high. If you want a man with a college degree, great. If you want a man with a good job, that’s fine. A man with his own business, no kids, 2 kids, loves his mom, large family, small family, big house, beach house, little house, no house, 3 cars, motorcycle, bicycle, whatever…that’s wonderful. BUT don’t think he doesn’t want the same. Nowadays, more and more men what “independent” women. The era of the trophy wife is over. Getting something for nothing isn’t “in” anymore, but let’s face it, it really never was getting something for nothing. The men got what they wanted, and after they were done, they left the women in the dirt….with nothing. In the past women could say to men, “If you want me, then what are you bringing to the table?” But now men are asking the same question. Women now have to prove themselves to men. But as I alluded to before, just because a man is well off doesn’t mean a life with him will be carefree. Ladies, you have to stop looking at life in the short term. What happens if this guy loses all his money? Will you still be happy or will you try to find another money-maker? Ask yourself why do I want a man? What do I expect from him? What does he expect from me? Can I accept this man and live with this hi’s flaws? (Ladies DO NOT go into a relationship thinking you are going to change any man. If he loves you, he will change for you, but he will do it when he gets ready, not when you tell him to.) Can he accept mine? Talk to prospects about your goals, hopes, dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, etc., and let him talk back. Keep your standards “high”, eventually the right man will come along. Don’t try to force God’s plan by doing now what you think He will do later…that never works well.

Married 29 years old

Pretty interesting huh???

Today’s Nugget: Think of something you have always wanted to do-big or small  (travel, painting, go to a play, visit a new church). Take the first step to make this happen because nothing will happen with you just sitting there doing nothing. Get er done!

Until next time…Empower someone and make them smile or laugh 🙂

Check out my two new internet radio shows

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/word-up with Kev Debut July 21 10pm CST

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/changingroom -with comedians Marvin Michaels and Tex  Debut Aug 9 10pm CST