A few years ago, I received a call from someone I mentored, after losing touch for almost 2 years. I was in the 1^st or 2^nd year of PhD land, writing a paper the school lounge, when I got a phone call. “Hello” and on the other end I heard “Can I speak to Kristen Guillory” I immediately knew who it was. I ran to the hall and said “MIKE (not his real name)!!, I can’t believe it’s you” Mike was released from prison a few days prior. He said “ I can’t believe you have the same number and I can’t believe I remember it.” In that moment I knew I could never change my cell number. He told me that he was thinking about me and all that I did for him before he was locked up. My silly tail was thinking “You were thinking of me while you were in prison?… awww naaww” lol.

 So how do I know Mike? Let me take you back to a summer years ago. I walked in to work one day and saw someone new fixing the lights. I didn’t think too much except, oh there’s a new guy and he seemed nice. I, later, found out that he was there completing community service because of his parole violation. That summer I worked with a lot of young people, mainly males, who were completing community service for the same reason. I would tell them all the same thing—“I don’t have to know why you are here because I can’t do anything about that, but we can work on you not getting in trouble again and doing good.” Each time I said this-they would all say “Miss, you know if I told you what I did, you wouldn’t talk to me” I told them my job is not to judge you, but to help. I would ask them where did they see themselves in 5 years and many would say, “I hope I am alive next year”. Mike was no exception to this.

 For some reason Mike and I bonded. Even though we were so close in age, there was a separation, where he knew I was staff and a mentor figure, thus beginning our journey. One day I asked Mike about his childhood and found out he was still in a gang. He told me that his mother had always been supportive but his step father was another story.  He made Mike (again not his name) wear plastic grocery store bags as shoes to school, would spit in his food, would only let him eat a twizzler for dinner for days at a time while the others at the table ate dinner. As Mike was telling me this, he began to shake his head and tap his face. I began to get concerned and asked, what was wrong? He then began to cry. Mike hadn’t cried in 10 years, so he didn’t know what was going on. Mike later told me that he joined a gang at the age of 12 because he couldn’t stand being at home. At the age of 16 he and some others committed a crime and he was sentenced to TYC (Texas Youth Commission-prison for youth). He was sure to tell me that prison for juveniles was no joke, very nasty and bad things went on. He was released at 19 years old and I met him 6 months later.

At that time he was still in the gang and he mentioned wanting to get out. After speaking with him and encouraging him to find out if he can get out, he came to me 2 weeks later, lifted his shirt so I could see his back that was covered in bruises, and then handed me a bandana and said : “I got out of the gang for you” and then said “ I was also gonna give you my gun” I said well, no thanks on the gun but let’s turn it in. That was such an amazing and unreal moment. I came to know his mother who adored me. I saw a side of Mike that no one ever got to see. One day I invited Mike to come to church with me and he was very hesitant. So I drove 45 minutes to his mother’s home to pick him up and he came out and said, I have a hang over, I can’t go. I said “Boy, I don’t care what gang you used to be in, I drove 45 minutes, you better get in my car!” He did and was worried that he was going to be judged. He wound up having a great time. And the only thing people wanted to know, was if he was my boyfriend. My response was “no” and I thought “If you only knew”. I didn’t plan to do any of this, I was just led to help in this way.

So the summer came to an end, Mike completed his hours and seemed to have a better view of life while still struggling-he contemplated suicide at one point-He just didn’t know how to register everything that had happened in his life. We stayed in contact for about 1 year and then got out of touch, which brings me to that phone call I got while in the school lounge. During this call, he just began to thank me for all of the support. He said that another person and I were the only people who ever supported him or believed in him. We discussed why he was locked up again and I just encouraged him and said “You can’t go in again” Since that time he has been locked up twice and a very close loved one passed away.

After each time he was released, he would look for a job with no success, so it was too easy for him to go back to his old ways, even though he really wanted to be on the right track. (Now I am not excusing his choices, but I can explain them) He says that a mistake you make at 16 years old can still effect you 10 years later. Today, Mike is in his late 20′s and got his first legal full-time job 7 months ago, got a promotion after 3 weeks on the job and has a daughter. He also wants to talk to youth about his story and what not to do. I saw him 4 months ago for the first time in 5 years and the first thing he said to me was “Yep, you still look like a white lady” lol! It was great seeing him, his mother, and daughter.

 In addition to Mike, I have been honored to mentor/work with many many youth and young adults and many of them still call me to this day. I’ve been told that my number was the only number they had memorized, which is pretty heavy and humbling. So I just can’t change it. I know I can’t be there for everyone, but I try to be there for as many people as I can. 

I share this long true story to say, you may never know how you effect someone’s life, but we must encourage people and hold each other accountable. Mike, most definitely, affected my life in a great way. I did none of this to get praise or credit but believe that’s just who God made me to be. I felt like I needed to support him even without knowing his back story. So I will never change my number (if I can help it) b/c who knows who will need me. So if you received my number after the year 2000, it’s the same one

**Mike is not his name and some details were left out, also Mike did grant me permission to share his story

Nugget: Who is there for you? Take some time encourage and tell someone you are proud of them.

Don’t try to box me in, there is so much more to me than my career and professional credentials.

What up! (A conversation I had with my dad led me to writing this. He made some great points. Shout out to PG-that’s his street name )

So someone help me with this. What is wrong with being driven and having professional goals? The media continues to cover the so called plight of the single, successful Black woman in particular.  My thoughts have always been, ladies you go for it! And I still feel this way. I’ve seen coverage about women saying “Here is a successful judge, but she is single” Why is there a but here? Why can’t we say here is a successful African American female judge to which girls can look up? There seems to always be a negative slant on the number of women in college. By the way-to those of you in college- Good for you and go for it!! We’re always hearing that there are more women obtaining advanced degrees as compared to men. The only problem I see here is that more men need to take advantage of advanced degrees, if they want to. Let a man get a law degree or PhD, this is wonderful, but women obtaining the same degrees are also told great job but we also hear “Oh so you want to be independent” OR “If you get that degree men won’t want you”

It’s time for a change. Women should NEVER make apologies or excuses for succeeding. Instead of asking us to slow down or finding fault with our success, how about encouraging men to step up and go for it (whatever “it” is for them).  I’m just saying. Oh and here is something else. Yes many of us are in charge at work but at the end of the day, when we are at home, we don’t have to be. I think people assume that we walk around the house using our interview voice, delegating tasks as if we were in a corporate meeting and demanding people to call us Ms. Jones or Dr. Jones. This is so far from the case. At the end of the day, I am chilling and when the Lord allows me to meet him, I will trust him enough to make the decisions with my input and be the head of the household. For real.

One last thought, the media continues to focus on extremely successful single women. There is another voice from which we are not hearing. There are wonderful, intelligent, single women who may not be considered extremely successful professionally. Succeeding does not always pertain to degrees, salaries, positions. It’s your definition.  There are many successful and driven women, who don’t have degrees, aren’t making a lot of money, have an hourly job, but are immensely successful. Success could be raising her children, could mean being clean from drugs for years, could mean starting over, could mean turing a tragedy into a victory! But, does this mean they don’t deserve a voice or want to meet someone? No!! In the mean time, they are working on reaching their goals. So let’s not forget this.

Moving on. Now, I will always encourage women to pursue their goals (of course not at the expense of their family or health) but I believe it’s important to know how men feel about this issue. So you know me, I love to get feedback from others on issues

Responses from 4 men (single and married) are below. Keep in mind these are their thoughts and you can agree or not, I just thought it was worthy of sharing

Should women slow down on their professional goals b/c it intimidates men?

Absolutely not!  However, their professional goals should be an asset to the man, not a deterrent.  Making more $ doesn’t change her order or role once she becomes a wife…her husband is still the head of the household not because he is better…it is because God ordained the order to be that way from the beginning.  The question is will they be able to submit to their husbands the way it is explained in Ephesians 5:21-25.  I put verse 25 because I wanted to reinforce that the husband is not dictate to his wife but to lay his life down daily for her as Christ laid his life down for the Church.  If he does that then she should be more than willing to submit to his authority.  Women don’t learn this overnight.  Women’s focus should be on getting their lives and affairs in order to be able to follow this pattern God laid out from the beginning of time.

Married-30 years old

No. Never!  That’s a ridiculous notion worthy to be ignored.  If he’s intimidated then, he could never be your man anyway.  Be all that you can aspire to be.  You’ll most likely bump into your mate somewhere along the path to victory.  

Single 37 years old

 No, I do not think that a woman should slow down on her personal goals b/c it could intimidate a man.  I call this the “Duke of Edinburgh” affect.  Can a man successfully be in the shadow of his wife?  The Duke of Edinburgh is married to the current reigning Queen of the British Empire.  I think that a woman should be willing to be all that she can be.  But, the most important thing is that as a wife, her career should be not supersede her role as a wife and as a mother. 

For me, I struggled with, “could I marry someone who makes substantially more money than I do”?  My preference is for me to make more than my wife.  I want her to see me as her provider, protector, and pastor.  However, that is no longer a “deal breaker” for me.   There are advantages to dating a female who makes way more than the dude.  She could possibly lavish you with gifts (smile), afford a nicer house, nicer car, and nicer vacations.  ”Just keeping it real”.   

But, I believe that it can be done successfully, if she knows how to feed his ego. Meaning that she may have to remind him that she could not be the person she is, if it were not for the great husband/boyfriend.  I am a little more traditional seeing the family life as that of in the 1950s.  The husband worked and the wife stayed at home and cared for the children and the household duties.  That’s the way I was raised.  My dad worked and my mother stayed at home.  I have talked with many guys who attend(ed) OCBF and they have no problem at all with a woman who is successful or makes more money than they.  At the end of the day, we all want someone to hold us and cherish us. 

Single 36 years old

Tough one right? But it all comes down to what is most important to you…and it’s hard to balance work and relationships. I hear stories all the time of men whose girlfriends/wives left them because all they did was work. I can’t imagine that it is any different for women. Being driven is great, but it may cost you in the long run. When it comes to hard decisions I generally ask myself, Which one of these things would I be more okay with not having? Would you rather be a made woman with nothing to go home to, or living check to check with a great husband who would do anything in the world for you? Now it’s not always that extreme. It can work, but the thing you have to realize is that life is full of choices and sacrifices. There will always be “woulda coulda shoulda’s”. Sometimes it’s less about right or wrong, and more about what’s best for you. You have to weigh your decisions carefully…and live with the consequences.

Married 29 years old

Do you think women’s standards are too high from your experience?

It is not that they are too high…I believe that the standards are not to be compared to a man’s commitment to the Lord.  If he is humble and has developed a discipline to keep God’s word close to his heart, then he will be able to love you and meet your standards and more.  These standards are according to the world and not necessarily according to God.  A woman of God should mandate that a man should be willing to follow Ephesians 4:25-33.

Married-30 years old

Concerning standards… I don’t think women’s standards are so high as much as I feel that they are immature and misguided. Paul the Apostle of Jesus Christ and writer in the Bible’s New Testament said “when I was a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away childish things.”  What childish standards have you put away since you’ve become a woman?  My advice is to make sure you’re not setting immature standards that do not necessarily define a GOOD MAN.  Be very honest with yourself and seek the counsel of an older, married, content woman WHILE YOU create your standards because they’re sometimes the only ones who can help you realize what’s really important when finding a man.  Don’t just listen to them… let their relationship be your example of what to look for.  You mustn’t counsel with people who are currently unsuccessful in accomplishing the goal of finding a qualified mate…even if it is “Mama and Grandma nem” Find multiple resources including non-family members.

But beware… If you can “take him or leave him”… you WILL leave him.

Single 37 years old

From my experience, I do not think that women’s standard’s are too high.  The ones that said no to me when I expressed an interest, I might think differently about (smile).  However, the ones that I had a relationship with were quite reasonable. They were like as long as the male had a job and a degree and was responsible, they could work with him. 

Single 36 years old

Actually no, most women’s standards are not too high. If you want a man with a college degree, great. If you want a man with a good job, that’s fine. A man with his own business, no kids, 2 kids, loves his mom, large family, small family, big house, beach house, little house, no house, 3 cars, motorcycle, bicycle, whatever…that’s wonderful. BUT don’t think he doesn’t want the same. Nowadays, more and more men what “independent” women. The era of the trophy wife is over. Getting something for nothing isn’t “in” anymore, but let’s face it, it really never was getting something for nothing. The men got what they wanted, and after they were done, they left the women in the dirt….with nothing. In the past women could say to men, “If you want me, then what are you bringing to the table?” But now men are asking the same question. Women now have to prove themselves to men. But as I alluded to before, just because a man is well off doesn’t mean a life with him will be carefree. Ladies, you have to stop looking at life in the short term. What happens if this guy loses all his money? Will you still be happy or will you try to find another money-maker? Ask yourself why do I want a man? What do I expect from him? What does he expect from me? Can I accept this man and live with this hi’s flaws? (Ladies DO NOT go into a relationship thinking you are going to change any man. If he loves you, he will change for you, but he will do it when he gets ready, not when you tell him to.) Can he accept mine? Talk to prospects about your goals, hopes, dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, etc., and let him talk back. Keep your standards “high”, eventually the right man will come along. Don’t try to force God’s plan by doing now what you think He will do later…that never works well.

Married 29 years old

Pretty interesting huh???

Today’s Nugget: Think of something you have always wanted to do-big or small  (travel, painting, go to a play, visit a new church). Take the first step to make this happen because nothing will happen with you just sitting there doing nothing. Get er done!

Until next time…Empower someone and make them smile or laugh

Check out my two new internet radio shows

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/word-up with Kev Debut July 21 10pm CST

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/changingroom -with comedians Marvin Michaels and Tex  Debut Aug 9 10pm CST

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Excuse me! Would you take a moment and look in the mirror and look at the beauty who is YOU. Look at you! I wish we could have a mirror to view our inner beauty, but I’m afraid the mirror couldn’t handle such an extraordinary feat!

Lately, I’ve noticed some consistent things about women. That some of you ladies “musta forgot” how fabulous you are-and I am, too, guilty of this. I’ve attended conferences, summits, and had discussions over the last 2 months and have noticed how hurt, frustrated, unappreciated and in pain you are-which in turn pained me. We as women, have to wear so many hats, that at times we lose ourselves trying to be everything to everyone—and this will just never happen. I attended one conference in particular a few weeks ago. I was there as a speaker, and remember thinking “If I weren’t a speaker, I don’t know if I would be here because relationships/ being single is not my struggle” The Lord had me there for another reason- to see in how much pain women are and how much we hold in. During one point in the day-almost every woman was in tears. These were beautiful, strong, and intelligent women of God who seemed never to have the time to reflect on past pain and forgive; Who never have the time to focus on the God’s Couture they are and were created to be; Who never have time to just sit back a focus on how blessed and fabulous they are! Who rarely have the time to just think about themselves. Nehemiah 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

Society and the media tell us that we can never do enough or when we do enough, it’s not a big deal (But remember we should not be trying to please society). Examples:

Example 1: Why is it when a single woman does what she needs to do in raising her children, it’s status quo and never recognized? But if a father does what he is supposed to do, we throw a parade for him. Don’t get me wrong, it is wonderful when men do what they are supposed to do, but why not recognize the moms?

On another note: People have actually gotten irritated at mothers and women for trying to help young men become the best they can be by saying it takes a man to raise a man—which is absolutely true. But when a man is not around, the woman is doing what she has to do. So how about let’s fuss at and hold these absent men accountable and thank the mothers for going far and beyond!

Example 2: A woman gets a college degree it’s great. But if a male gets it—we’ve rented a blimp to announce it.

Example 3: Women are expected to be a counselor, nurse, teacher, principal, chef, supervisor all in one and better not complain

Example 4: Expectations are different-A friend told me that she grew up with her family telling her to wait on marriage so she could focus on her career and education and build a solid foundation, while her brother was told not to get a girl pregnant while in college.

Example 5: The media has had many stories about the plight of the Single Professional Black Woman. (Take a read at the latest post on http://nosexnthecity.wordpress.com/ called single, black, female). Oh no, we’re educated, make some money, are climbing the ladder, have standards and this is a problem? We are to be at fault because we have goals and reach them? What tha???

Example 6: Ladies, we are also part of the problem. Can we do more supporting of one another and less hating and discouraging? I have a friend who is purchasing a home and has received many discouraging statements from women. I attended a conference last year and introduced myself as Dr. Kristen Guillory and a woman much older than me told me “You don’t need to introduce yourself as Dr.-you were not born with that” Really?? A coworker asked a friend “What do you wear on the weekend” she said “If I am at home-sweats” The co-worker said “Eeew, that’s why you are in your situation (single). What if the president visits your house” 

Really What tha??

Well ladies,  let’s encourage one another and I want to thank you for taking care of your children, encourage you to go head with getting your degree, a house, and you go ahead climb that ladder, while remembering to give God the glory and making sure that it’s glorifying the Kingdom!

Ladies, we must take time for ourselves. Even if this means-sitting down, watching TV, and eating gummy bears (oh, don’t pretend like I’m the only adult who likes gummy bears). Keep these scriptures in mind.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Next, is an excerpt from I am a Daughter of Destiny, Purpose, and Promise written by Minister Toni Roberts (this truly spoke to the women who attended the All the Single Ladies Conference)

I am uniquely and wonderfully created in the image of God

I am who God says I am and not where I’ve been or what I have been through

I am loved by God so much that He has given me predestined life with plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future

I acknowledge that my way of obtaining love and acceptance is not always best for me and I submit to the will of an Almighty God for my life

Lord, I ask you to forgive me for not guarding my heart for out of it flows life.

God I pray for strength to forgive myself when I settle for less than what or who you have for me. Help me forgive those who have hurt, misused and misunderstood me. I pray that I will be forgiven when in pain I unknowingly hurt others.

I declare that I am strengthened through my trials, tribulations, and seem to be setbacks. I declare that my now is to be celebrated because it has nothing to do with today and everything to do with where I am going

Ladies, you are Fabulous and Don’t you ever Forget it!!! You better Work it! 

When you look in the mirror, try a pose!

  Today’s Nugget: 3 things: Re-read the above excerpt a few times. Think of someone you need to forgive and do it! Look, in the mirror. What do you see? If you don’t see a fabulous woman and God’s couture ask God to help you to see how He sees you.

And if this weren’t enough-the media doesn’t help, as Black males are supposed to by lazy, have many baby mamas, play Play Station all day, sag their pants and then some. While these portrayals are accurate for some, it is NOT for all. I would like to take this opportunity to recognize some Black males who are breaking through these stereotypes and statistics!

Example 1

The latest story that had me shedding a couple of tears pertains to the Urban Prep Academy in Chicago where 100% of the senior class who is comprised of Black males was accepted to 4 year universities. See the link for more information http://www.urbanprep.org/100percent/  So awesome! But we should be highlighting our young men much more often. Seeing this story prompted me to writing this blog.

Example 2

See this picture– Each wonderful and handsome young man not only graduated from high school, but is currently in college or graduated from college. 2 are even in graduate school! These young men come from vast backgrounds ranging from being raised by both parents to being raised by a single mother to being raised by grandparents-regardless of these factors-they are doing it! I am so proud of these young men. Now, I am not going to pretend like they haven’t had some difficult times or have done some things they should not have, but the key is learning from our mistakes and allowing that to empower us. These young men, did not allow what society said to hold them back and they removed and are still removing any barriers that were and are in front of them. In this group you have an architect, a future optometrist, two future teachers, some businessmen and more!

Example 3

I would like to highlight some great men I know (I know so many great ones and won’t be able to highlight them all—don’t be mad at me fellas)

Justin- Justin is currently in banking, holds a degree in finance, is fluent in speaking Spanish, and is completing law school. Justin had a few bumps in his law school road, but persevered and he never considered giving up. He is scheduled to graduate from SMU law school this December. He is currently mentoring 3 young men. Justin will be the first to tell you that, he is not perfect and has made mistakes, but he knows who he is in Christ and is thankful that God allows us to go through certain things.

Tedashii- Some of you may know this lyrical beast from his Christian rap career. Tedashii holds a degree in sociology and has stayed diligent to what the Lord wanted him to do with this talent. Tedashii released his debut CD in the summer of 2006 and his follow-up came in 2009. Through this ministry, he has been privileged to travel the world and is thankful for the opportunities. While attending college in his early 20’s, there was a family tragedy and he quit school in order to assist in raising is siblings. It might have taken him a little longer to get his degree, but he got it. And most importantly he is the father of my handome nephew Jaden and husband to my fabulous sister Danielle. Check out www.reachrecords.com

Ramon- This outstanding man completed his degree from Dallas Baptist University.  Ramon was raised by his mother and grandmother and didn’t meet his father until he was 16 years old. He is so dedicated to the children and youth he serves that he and his wife moved to the Fortress neighborhood. Ramon is such a servant-he could teach us all a thing or 2. So many talents he has- stepping, poet, drawing, etc. Ramon is such a great example to the young men. He has been married for 2.5 years.

Justin H. Justin is a 17 year old male residing in San Antonio, TX. Justin was recently inducted into the National Honor Society, recognized as 1st team-all city in basketball in San Antonio, voted “most heart and studious” on his basketball team. He even created a facebook group called” I don’t have to get drunk to have fun” I am very proud of him. He will be entering his senior year in the fall and don’t be suprised if he receives academic and athletic scholarships!

OK OK I could go on and on. It looks like I am going to have to do a part 2 in order to highlight some other outstanding men.

Experience in the Classroom

I would like to share an experience with you. I am an adjunct University professor and one of the courses I teach is Human Behavior and Diverse Populations (Diversity). One semester, I had about 30 students, the majority of whom were African American females. One activity we completed was listing stereotypes for certain groups-such as lesbians, individuals who are bi-polar, individuals living in poverty, and Black males. Black males got the longest and harshest list of stereotypes. My students began a discussion about how Black men are lazy and just sit at home. I quickly stated “That must be your frame of reference, because there are many fabulous and successful Black men out there, and I know quite a few of them” Some of my students didn’t believe me. So, I took it upon my self to set up a panel with 3 successful Black men, so my students could see them in the flesh. Well needless to say- my students were not as rambunctious when they met the men-they were almost in awe. Moral of this story- we must continue to educate each other! And if there are men who are sitting at home doing nothing–why are we allowing them to do so (oops, almost went to another topic–will save this one for later)

Calling all the Ladies!

Ladies, our Black men-young and not so young-NEED our encouragement. Ladies please display qualities you would like young men to look for when they get older and begin to pursue women. Ladies, please encourage and compliment our men. We are so used to receiving the compliments from them, that it rarely crosses our mind that they too would like to receive compliments.

Calling all the Fellas!

To my men-please take the opportunity to mentor a young man. They NEED You! Or if you can’t make that type of commitment, encourage the young men in your family and make sure to say something encouraging when you come across a young man. You never know what your words will mean to them.  To the young men and not so young men- DON’T ALLOW ANYTHING TO GET IN YOUR WAY  and it’s OK to ask for help. We believe in you! Oh yes, and don’t just work hard-work SMART and HARD! Please know you are appreciated and keep your head up. Remember, we ALL make mistakes and please don’t allow them to hold you down, just learn and grow from them because the younger men need you!

Today’s Nugget: This is a simple one-take the time to compliment 2 men in your life and encourage 2 men in your life via email, twitter, facebook, face to face, phone…whatever—JUST DO IT!

Until next time….empower someone and make them smile or laugh

 I know it’s been a few weeks, but I’m back! God is Awesome! The last blog post “No Sex in the City” has created a little buzz. Please check out the new blog http://nosexnthecity.wordpress.com/ to read about other fabulous women who have chosen to wait to have sex. I can’t wait to get back to this topic as I was a call-in guest on a talk show and one of the co hosts before I came on said “If I meet a virgin, I want to tell her to just grow up” Really??  You know I’ll comment on this….OK on to today’s topic… 

  We’ve all been there. At work, at the mall, at a restaurant and noticed another woman looking at us, sizing us up, or seeming to talk about us. And I’m sure our thought was “What is she looking at” And some of us have even confronted the woman in a hostile way. Why are ladies of all ages so rude to each other? In my opinion, I believe ladies are the most disrespectful creatures in the world to each other at times. How many times have we been with a girlfriend and saw a woman walk by whose outfit wasn’t to our liking and we made sure to discuss it: 

 “Why is she wearing that?” 

 “She knows she does not have the figure for that.” 

 “Who does she think she is?” 

 Why does it matter? If she is comfortable in what she is wearing, let her work it! Now trust me, I know there are just some outfits, on which we must comment..after all we are ladies..but must we do it all of the time and so disrespectfully? 

What about this one:  

True Story-happened to a friend—A co worker approached her and said in a very condescending tone “Oh, I see you are in all black today with your black heels—hmmm…I guess….. oh and do you have your lip gloss, maybe you should put some on” 

OR what about this one—In working with teenage girls, I have heard the following phrase literally over 100 times “She better keep my name out of her mouth” Do you know we are talked about daily and can’t control what others say? 

  When was the last time you gave another lady, you didn’t know, a compliment? We are quick to talk about each other. Why?? I’ve been guilty of this disrespectful and pointless type of discussion. Is it that we are jealous of one another? Are we competing? And if so, WHY?? Instead of competing, how about we begin supporting. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another-Proverbs 27:1 NIV. Ladies, we go through so much as women that we don’t need to add this to the stresses of our life. Think about how much good can come from women working together. 

  Has anyone else noticed this?? Generally, if a man cheats on his woman and the girlfriend has the opportunity to meet the other woman who she previously didn’t know, why does she jump on the other woman? It seems that the man, at times, gets off the hook. WHY? I want to encourage all ladies of all ages to watch how and what we say about others and to one another and stop being so judgemental. So if this is applies to you, STOP it, or try to stop. If this isn’t you, take the opportunity to encourage someone to stop it! 

 Ephesians 4:29 – Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (NIV) 

  On to the infamous—“I just don’t get along with females” How many of us have said or know someone who has said this OR “All of my friends are guys.” OR “Females don’t like me”  Well my response to this is what about you repels females from you? If one believes no females like her, keep in mind that the common denominator is you! So we need to look within. OUCH- I know I am stepping on some toes…but it’s all good! 

  And one last thing: Males DO notice us doing this. I have spoken to a few men who have asked me “Why are women so rude to each other?” Or “I have seen yall size each other up” 

  Ladies, just continue to recognize that you are God’s Couture and the ladies around you are ALSO God’s Couture—so why would you want to disrespect another fabulous woman? 

Love each other with genuine affection,* and take delight in honoring each other.  Romans 12:10 

Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters.* Be tender-hearted, and keep a humble attitude. 1 Peter 3 

  Today’s Nugget: Make it a point to compliment 2 strangers of the same sex within the next week. 

  Until next time…Empower someone and make them smile or laugh 

Yes, it says NO, Sex in the city. I’ve been debating on when to post this. No time like the present. Despite what the media portrays and what many think- everyone is NOT having relations  I am proud to say that I am a virgin. Yes, you read that correctly. This is not to say anything about those who are not, but I feel that it is imperative to get the word out to young ladies and gentlemen and maybe not so young ladies and gentlemen that there are others who have chosen to wait. I thought, media and music are consumed with sex and people are very comfortable speaking about this topic; why shouldn’t we be as confident talking about not having sex- As it is supposed to be for the context of marriage. Someone recently told me “What, there are like 100 virgins in the world” REALLY! I guess the 100 of us should get capes and create a secret V-Club society To put that number into perspective, there are more than 100 countries. This post is to encourage those who are virgins, those who have had sex but have decided to wait, and those who are thinking about waiting, prayerfully until they are married. This post is to also enlighten those who believe there are only 100 virgins in the world.

Why am I a virgin?  I was on a relationship panel last year and the moderator thought it was so strange that I was a virgin. The first question of the night went like this ” So Miss Virgin, how did that happen?” my response was “You mean Dr. Virgin…” But honestly, I didn’t want a child while I was in high school and in college I began to realize who I was in Christ and it just wasn’t worth it to me. I began to apply this analogy—I am saving this gift for my husband. But not just any gift, a very special one.

Has it been difficult? No, not really.  But I have had some interesting offers; I have had someone try to negotiate my virginity, I’ve been told “If it’s not your husband, it better be me” I’ve had some uhhh other unique offers, that I won’t get into.

 OK, OK I have a secret—Get ready!!…GET READY

I’m not the only one and I personally know others! :) I know other women who are virgins, others who waited until they were married (like my fabulous sister) and even more who decided to stop having sex, which I believe is quite difficult. These women are all beautiful, intelligent, and funny and you will get to know some of them in a new blog series titled “No Sex in the City” that will start in Feb. 2010! I’m excited for this as we all have had different experiences but we have this in common. I am even more excited for you to get to know these women of God who are university administrators, lawyers, PhD candidates, nurses and more! Work it Ladies! While being a virgin is just one part of us, it doesn’t define us-what defines us is who we are in Christ!

Oh, I have another secret…….I know some men who are virgins! OH my goodness!

So, to my teens and young 20 somethings and others—Everyone is NOT doing it! And according to many women with whom I have worked- They stated that sex is nothing to play with as ladies get emotionally connected and are more prone to make some illogical decisions after having sex outside of the context of marriage.

So ladies, keep the ‘blessings’ covered up! And remember that you are God’s Couture and it is great to wait!  Look out for the new No Sex In the City Blog.

Today’s Nugget: Often times we spend so much time focusing on negative aspects of life, that we forget to recognize the accomplishments of our friends and loved ones. I would like for you to take the time to encourage and compliment 3 friends/ loved ones.  Let them know that you are proud of them. Let’s do more encouraging than discouraging!

Until next time…Empower someone and make someone smile or laugh

The advice in this post was given by LL Cool J—Ladies Love Cool JADEN, pictured above!  OK OK I just wanted an excuse to include this very cute picture of my nephew. Hey, I’m a proud aunt!

 Moving on…. Staying with the theme of being single, I thought this was a fitting time to share some male feedback.

 I asked the following question of some men and their answers are below:

 What advice do you have for single ladies who really want to be in a relationship and or are tired of waiting?

The answers provided are honest, insightful,  and for some frank! Enjoy!

               RESPONSE 1: Let the search be a natural process, and at the same time, let your relationship grow at its own pace. Guys & dolls, both, can tell almost immediately if there’s a stage 5 clinger on deck.  Worse is one who’s dripping with desperation.  Therefore, advancing a relationship too early can and will scare off a possible mate.   

              Secondly, consider seeking a relationship with someone around you.  Your immediate circle probably will yield someone you’d be compatible with because they hold similar interests and, probably most importantly, your friends already like him. If nothing else, it’s good practice for the next guy. 

              If that’s out of the question, you’re at your wits end and you still yearn for a passionate, loving union of friendship, then i’d suggest you buy a dog.  It’ll be more loyal to you than what’s roaming the streets late at night anyway.

Firefighter-30 years old–single 

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 RESPONSE 2:I would have to say take advantage of the opportunities before a relationship. For example, patience. If you discipline yourself to be patient before, then you’re able to do so when in a relationship. God may have you single for a reason. Find joy in that. Just another OPPORTUNITY to build your relationship with Him. Many want to be in a relationship but very few think about how they are gonna keep their relationship going when there in it. Think about Christ and what it is he may want you to do when your in it. God is preparing your mate for you. At the same time, he’s preparing you as well. Let him prepare you. Take full advantage of the relationship with HIM.

College student—21—Single

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 RESPONSE 3: Remember, your wants are good, and God’s more interested in your  well-being than you are, He knows what you NEED. Labor in prayer, but continue to  walk by faith (NOT SIGHT). There are two options to get impatient and settle, or  to live everyday thankful for what you do have, and wait to see God’s  faithfulness. One of the oldest tricks of the enemy is to focus our attention on the  itty bitty that we do not have, YET! but God know the plans that He has for you, and His plans are better than ours on our best day. 

one love, one LORD

Minister- 28 years old–married 

——————— 

 RESPONSE 4: My ultimate advice to women strongly and over-zealously desiring a relationship is to not lose themselves. I think the first key to finding a relationship is to find contentment within yourself. It is at that point, and that point only, that you can begin to weed out those who qualify and those that do not because your foundation will be much more solid. It is very easy to be overwhelmed with the rigors of finding a person suitable for a relationship without the aforementioned foundation, and more importantly, the foundation of being a Christ-driven individual. Without such a foundation, it may become increasingly difficult to decipher qualities in a partner that should and should not be accentuated. The significance that such qualities take on can be validated in 2 Corinthians 6:14. “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” As long as the motive for seeking a relationship follows such guidelines, I think relationships will cease to be viewed as a novelty and be viewed more as luxuries that are beautiful when entered into properly. Do not compromise moral integrity or virtue for anyone!!

College Student Athlete- 22-single

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 RESPONSE 5: My advice would be: To enjoy being single for as long as you can because when the time is  right, he’ll fall right into your lap and you won’t even know it.  Before you know it, you will look up and you’re in relationship just that fast.  Plus, don’t go looking for something because when you look, you will not find him.   

“Just let things flow!!!”

Entrepreneur—27 years old–single

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RESPONSE 6: “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Tell God. Don’t focus on it too much.  Make up your mind whether you will do it the Godly way or the Worldly way.

Banker—30  years old—in a committed relationship

———————-

RESPONSE 7: You can’t force a relationship. If you have to wait, wait. Then again, you aint gonna find a man sitting at home.

Engineer-35 years old–Single

 So, ladies what do you think? It seems that the consensus is to be patient. I hope that this provided some insight. Additionally, this advice can also be applied to men. Remember you are God’s Couture and you better work it!

To the wonderful male contributors, I want to thank you for your advice and honesty!!

 Today’s Nugget- Continuing with the previous nugget of not spending so much time on relationships we don’t have and focusing on the ones we do have–  contact (email, phone, face to face) a friend/ acquaintance AND a family member with whom you’ve not spoken in over 2 months and send a short note saying hello, I was thinking of you, pray things are well, do you have any prayer requests…or something along those lines..again you never know how a few words can positively affect someone.

 Until next time…Empower someone and make someone smile and or laugh

Oh No!, I’m  single (lol)

The Questions/ Comments:

“Why are you single?” I have been asked this question so many times. What am I supposed to say? “Uhhh, because I just met you” Or “Because there are no good men out there” (I don’t believe this to be the case at ALL. I know quite a few great ones, who were not the ones for me for different reasons—will share about this in another blog)

“Your standards are too high”

“You should go out more”

“I can’t wait to meet whoever you are going to end up with”  Uhhh is this a compliment?

 “Where is your husband?” My response a few times was “Still being molded as I am still being molded for him”. Or I have said “At home” OK OK I shouldn’t have said that.

 Or my favorite “What is wrong with you?” Now, no one has actually asked me this to my face, but I know some have thought it, said it and are thinking it. But I have girlfriends who seem to get this question often.  What is suppose to be the response to this question???

 I was actually told while completing my PhD, that no men were going to want me b/c I was getting that degree. I have also been told that if I own a home, men aren’t going to want me. (Looks like I didn’t listen to either of these statements) My response “If there is a pool of 30 men who wanted me then (pre degree and home) and then the number decreases to 5 b/c I have a Phd and or a home, that’s fine because I didn’t have to do the work to weed them out and I am only going to marry one person. Surprisingly, I don’t get irritated at these questions/ statements; I find them quite humorous. I love how people love to focus more on others than themselves! Or try to figure us out. Heaven forbid there are women over 20, over 25, over 30, dare I say over 40 who are single. And OH NO, we have careers, and homes and travel. Oh my, we are aliens!   I am single, and it’s ALL GOOD! Oh and I love this one—“but you’re so pretty”. Soooo… if I wasn’t pretty to them, then they would understand why I am single—what tha?!!!

 (Please post other questions and comments you have heard in regards to being single in the comments section below–looking forward to reading them)

Encouragement:

I make light of the situation, but am well aware that there are fabulous women out there, who are not happy or content being single. To my single ladies of all ages, God’s Couture, who are happy or unhappy or frustrated about being single, I want to provide some encouraging words. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

  We have all been there; wanting to meet someone, wanting to go out with a great guy, wanting the games to end. By the way, I would love to meet the man God has for me! But in the mean time, I am enjoying my life! We don’t need to get to the point to where we begin to settle, get angry at God, begin to substantially change who we are to fit some mold that is not us. Many think single women are at home, crying , unhappy, thinking something is wrong with us and desperate to meet a man.  Well this is not at all the case for me!

SINGLENESS SHOULD NOT BE A BURDEN. It’s a blessing! It’s a great opportunity to serve. We should enjoy this time to get to know ourselves and God. Also, we often focus on relationships we don’t have. We should focus on our current relationships (friendships, parents, family, co-workers). When was the last time you hung out with friends and discussed each others lives without dating relationships or lack of dating dominating the conversation? My friends and I have been guilty of this.

We should not put our lives on hold waiting for a mate. Let’s enjoy life to the fullest NOW!

 “God has placed each of us here for a purpose and we should be eagerly seeking to not only know, but to be actively engaged in that purpose for our lives. If you do not yet know your purpose, ask God.”  http://www.christian-single-woman.com/index.html

 Some scriptures on which to meditate:

My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, says the Lord. And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.- Isaiah 55:8-9

 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.- James 1:5

 Today’s Nugget: We spend so much time focusing on what we don’t have, that we overlook some of the great things we do have. In particular, focusing on a relationship in which we are not. There is nothing wrong with wanting more or wanting a mate, but we must acknowledge our many blessings. Think of your current relationships whether-friends, family, co workers. Do we spend the same amount of time on these relationships as we do on the ones we don’t even have?  Select a current relationship and invest a little more time—maybe an additional phone call, email, writing on a facebook wall a week. Or just call them from time to time to see how they are doing and ask if they have any prayer requests. That’s all. A little goes a long way!

Upcoming Blogs:

No Sex in the City

All My Single Ladies-From a Male’s perspective

All My Single Ladies- Taking a look at ourselves

Until next time…Empower someone and make someone smile or laugh

 Proverbs 21:23 (NIV)  23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

 How often have you and a friend conversed about something wrong with a person or a situation?  I’m sure you said things like “I think they should do….”  “What is wrong with her?” “If that was me, I would have….” Or you just complained about or frivolously talked about a situation or a person for a long time. 

How many times have we told someone “This is what he/she/they need(s) to do”? We are all great at identifying problems and solutions for others, but how many of us care enough to try to do something about it? Or do we just enjoy complaining or gossiping? 

I would like to encourage you to either do something about it or shut up. Now, I know “shut up” is harsh, but we spend so much time discussing and complaining about ourselves, others and things and rarely do anything about it.  Now we, especially us ladies, are going to discuss things that happened at work, that we see, that we hear etc, but when it gets to the point to where we are complaining about the same thing over and over or for a long time and do nothing about it—this is when it can become a problem, not only for you, but for those around you.

 Have I been guilty of this? Most definitely! But, I have been trying my best to make sure,  if I have an issue with something to do something about it or Shut up if I can’t do anything about it. Now, do I do this each time? No. But a lot more often than a few years ago.

 An example for me:

I attended an event in the fall and during I was thinking “wow, this is not that great.” At the conclusion of the event, I told some colleagues “Wow, that was not good, what happened?” Others had the same feelings about the event and chose not to do anything. I thought, “I don’t want to just complain about something, I want to help” So I did. I contacted someone to join the planning committee to see if I could help in any way. You may think, “I can’t do that each time”. But each time, you don’t have to complain about it for an hour.

 Below is my problem solving outline

 Dr. G’s Problem solving Outline

1. What is the problem?
2. Do you know the solution?
   1. If your answer is YES, move to #3
   2. If your answer is NO— SHUT-UP
3. What is the solution?
   1. If you know the solution, move to #4
   2. If you don’t know the solution—SHUT-UP
4. Will you do something about it?
   1. If your answer is YES, move to #5
   2. If your answer is NO— SHUT-UP

      5. Then DO IT!                 

Examples of problems and solutions we discuss and at times do nothing, except for complain.

 Complain about our job…

What should we do? Either apply for others or speak with our supervisor

Complain about how hard school is

What should we do-talk to our teacher, study more, take less hours or reorganize our time

Complain about our boyfriend

What should we do? communicate with him,  b/c ladies men do not have ESP (will get into this in another blog)

Complain about the youth of today

What should we do? Volunteer to become a mentor, join a youth ministry

Complain about our weight

What should we do? Start working out, change our eating, cut out soda/ sugar, etc

Complain about a friend or family member who drinks too much

What should we do? Talk to them, encourage them, get them some help

 Today’s Nugget- Identify something you complain about or a problem you discuss often and do something about it. No REALLY Do something about it! You’ll be surprised at how much you might be able to help.

Ephesians 4:29 – Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (NIV)

Until next time…Empower someone and make someone smile or laugh

God’s Couture 

Couture- “the term for the clothing that designers create for an exclusive market of individual customers and exclusive boutiques …” www.glencoe.com/  

Couture Finish- “Highly skilled finishing techniques to a hand sewn garment. These techniques are labor intensive and are rarely used by…” www.hillesodesigns.com

 Most of you have heard the term couture in terms of the fashion industry. You have seen these beautiful one of a kind dresses on models and celebrities. According to www.vintagetextile.com a couture dress could cost up to $90,000—(what tha??? For a dress—REALLY?!.) A couture gown is one of a kind, specially made, and often hand sewn.  

Ladies, you are God’s couture! You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). He created you for a purpose and in His image. Do you know how special you are? “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:30  There is no one else in the world like you. You ARE one of a kind. Please know and recognize this! I adopted the phrase God’s Couture from from a talented young woman, Austen Brown, during a youth event and thought, “wow, I love that phrase and that is who we are, but do we know this?”

 I have worked with many fabulous girls and women who did not know their worth or even know they were worthy. I’ve met girls and women who have had low self-esteem, had self-doubt, settled in many areas of their lives and that should not be. As ladies, we will have low self-esteem or be insecure about some things from time to time. Take me for example, there have been times when I was not happy with my looks and to be honest, this feeling still sneaks up. Also, there have been times when I felt that I didn’t know what I was doing at work or school.  And at times, I have just been a bit confused about what the future has in store. When I have these feelings, I remember that I am a woman of God, remember how blessed I am, and pray about the situation. Additionally, if there is something about me  or my situation that I don’t like (and can change it)—I should either work on it or Shut up (my next blog will explain my problem solving Matrix: Do Something about it or Shut up)

Nugget for the day—Think of 10 things  that are great about you and make you unique and fabulous. Write them  down. When you feel down about anything, remember the items on the list and most importantly remember you are GOD’s COUTURE and you better work it!

 Until next time…empower someone and make someone smile or laugh